The Goat Delivers, While The Chef Deserts at Lukes 2026
From Meelmore Lodge by The Absent Chef.
Meelmore Lodge once again hosted race six of the 2026 Hill and Dale Series, as runners tackled the unforgiving slopes of Slievenaglogh and Lukes. Hydration tablets dissolved at record pace, and once again the annual debate around “appropriate hill racing attire” and “do I need a full kit?” threatened to overshadow the racing itself.
Newcastle itself had barely recovered from the previous day’s royal visit. Several items of bunting still hung awkwardly from lampposts at the roundabout, while confused tourists arriving into Meelmore Lodge car park briefly believed the well-mannered Hill and Dale registration queue was connected to a second royal appearance. Several locals later remarked the transition from welcoming the royals to supervising dehydrated hill runners was “surprisingly seamless.” Yet despite the overcast spectacle and lingering royal fever, this year’s race will be remembered for one thing above all else — the complete and utter abandonment of race director duties by The Chef.
The Chef Missing in Fuerteventura
Concerns first emerged on Tuesday evening when The Chef failed to attend the weekly Newcastle AC training session, where final race preparations are normally agreed between the segments. By Thursday morning, club stalwarts and The Prophet had accepted the grim reality that while volunteers parked cars and sorted a well-oiled race registration at Meelmore Lodge, The Chef was several thousand miles away in Fuerteventura sipping €1 pints of Tropical, nibbling on tapas small plates, and bending the ear of the Corralejo Harbourmaster about declining water quality. Far from displaying remorse, the absent director reportedly sent voice notes throughout the afternoon offering “strategic leadership advice” over the sound of ice cubes, a crying baby, and what appeared to be a live saxophone performance. One particularly unhelpful message simply stated “mantén su llave inglesa encendida.”
The decision to abandon race responsibilities in favour of sunshine and moderately priced continental lager caused outrage in some Newcastle AC quarters, although others noted it was “the happiest The Chef has looked in years” and “it made up for him not being allowed on the 2025 club trip to Lanzarote.” Sources close to the club WhatsApp group confirmed there had been genuine fears for the smooth running of the race after The Chef attempted to delegate marshalling duties to three different people simultaneously while allegedly sitting in a swim-up bar at his five-star resort and spa.
Given the scale of organisational collapse, several club members privately questioned whether royal security officers still lingering in East Down following the royal visit could be borrowed to assist with scanning at registration.
The Goat Steps In
Organisational structures were collapsing rapidly, with club senior personnel scattered across Europe and Marathon Man notably absent once again. Marathon Man was reportedly still stuck at the Balmoral Show, positioned somewhere between the cattle rings, the machinery stands, and a dangerously busy burger van, helping “the lads” in what witnesses described as “a rolling legal clinic” offering passionately delivered advice on the defence mechanisms available under the European Convention of Human Rights for fixed penalty notices. Although absent physically, several runners later claimed they could still hear his legal objections echoing faintly across the lower slopes of Lukes.
It was down to club stalwart The Goat to step in.
By 6:50pm The Goat had organised registration, repaired a broken kettle, redirected parking, calmed several distressed volunteers and their pets, located missing safety pins, and prevented Jinxy Farrell from introducing a mandatory electrolyte inspection station. The only thing he did not achieve was overruling The Governor on where the race should start at the top of the lane on the road. Witnesses described the intervention as nothing short of miraculous.
“The Chef may have had the sangria and the sunshine,” remarked the exhausted Umpire, “however The Goat had the temperament for crisis management.”
Fresh from welcoming the royals to Newcastle less than 24 hours earlier, the town somehow pivoted seamlessly from royal statecraft to middle-aged hill runners aggressively discussing electrolytes in a sheep field. Several spectators noted the contrast was minimal. While the royals had toured Newcastle shaking hands with dignitaries and community leaders, The Goat spent Thursday evening dealing with significantly more challenging diplomatic situations involving missing safety pins, parking disputes, and Jinxy Farrell attempting to establish hydration checkpoints with military authority. By race start, order had been restored and morale had recovered completely.
The Governor Returns from the East
Meanwhile, The Governor made a dramatic late appearance shortly before the race briefing after completing a gruelling 1,600-mile round trip to Eastern Europe. Dust-covered, sleep-deprived, and surviving primarily on service-station coffee and smoked sausage, The Governor still insisted on inspecting parking arrangements, reviewing marshal placement, and informing competitors that “the roads were much smoother in Germany.”
The Prophet arrived late carrying a clipboard, two folding chairs, and what several witnesses described as “completely unjustified confidence.” Pre-race he could regularly be seen appearing beside small groups of runners offering unsolicited tactical observations on descending lines, hydration strategy, and “the psychological importance of a strong opening jog to the stile.”When asked if he had actually raced, he replied “I’m operating at a higher strategic level now.” Jinxy Farrell meanwhile spent much of the evening warning runners about “invisible dehydration” while holding a large bottle of orange dilute.
Familiar Club Absentees
The absentee list once again generated significant discussion:
• Miss World cited passport control issues.
• Bogusboy claimed he was “working remotely,” although social media later placed him beside a paella bar in Lanzarote wearing flip-flops and looking out for red-breasted robins.
• Big Ron cited “hamstring awareness.”
• The Viking was reportedly still calculating seating plans for the 2025 Termonfeckin club bus.
• McCrickard remained unaccounted for but was rumoured to still be at the mixer installing septic tanks somewhere within the Lough Neagh catchment area.
• The Busdriver was printing Bogusboy’s 5k race number.
• Bogboy was seen doing Murlough House 1km repeats with a double buggy.
Racing at the Front
Once underway, the race unfolded at brutal pace.
The sodden terrain encouraged aggressive descending, while the climb toward Slievenaglogh separated the brave from the foolish almost immediately. At the front, runners attacked the ridgeline with frightening commitment. Further down the field, survival became the primary objective.
With nearly 300 competitors tackling the demanding hill course, Tom Crudgington Newcastle and District AC produced a dominant performance to take the overall win in an impressive 34:59, finishing more than four minutes clear of the field. Jonathan Scott (Mourne Runners) claimed second place, with Andrew Tees (BARF) completing the male podium. In the women’s race, Esther Dickson (Newry AC) led from the front to secure victory in 47:34, narrowly ahead of Rachel Quinn, while Karen Wilton (Jog Lisburn Running Club) rounded out the top three.
The Battle of the Butchers
While the Kilcoo Butcher ensured the health, safety, and wellbeing of every runner was addressed by completing his tail-runner duties to perfection, it was the Castlewellan Butcher who operated at the sharp end of the competitive racing. In his first — and likely last — Hill and Dale season, the Castlewellan Butcher put in a fantastic shift to finish 148th in 58minutes flat. Coming from a three-year Hyrox base camp, the Castlewellan Butcher did not look remotely out of place during the opening half mile of the race.
The less said about the remaining 4 miles, however, the better.
Post-Race at Doran’s
As darkness settled over the Mournes, competitors gathered in Doran’s Public House where race analysis rapidly deteriorated into exaggerated descending stories, calf-injury discussions, and middle-aged men and women insisting they were “flying before the bog section.”
Percy the cat again attended prizegiving, although observers noted he appeared to acknowledge only The Goat throughout the evening and he like 300 other runners and the Undertaker did not seem to know where Brian was. Finally seated around 10:40pm with a £4 pint in one hand and a sausage roll in the other after effectively running the event single-handedly, The Goat received a spontaneous round of applause from the packed bar. Meanwhile, a video message arrived from The Chef poolside in Fuerteventura stating “Looks like yous yokes handled it rightly.”
The message was met with complete silence before immediate discussion began regarding his permanent removal from future catering and race director duties.
Photos
Photos by Richard Cowan. If you would like to use Richard’s photos feel free to buy him a cuppa to say thanks
Race Results
Race results available on Webscorer: